Reuters is reporting that the world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 B.C.
The knee-slapper, attributed to the Sumerians (they were residents of what we now know as Southern Iraq), goes like this: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
This just in
“Tonight on Channel 13 news: Man at South Sasquatch house holding police at bay! Now switching to News 13 reporter Cosmo Nerp on the scene, telling us what he’s hearing….”
“Not hearing much officially, Phil. Police saying little, playing their cards very close to their vests. Neighbors talking nervously among themselves. Rumors, speculation running rampant. One rumor making rounds: Man in house holding mysterious weapon, muttering something about ‘present particles’ – Wait, hold it, Phil: Next-door neighbor whispering in my ear.”
“Whispering what, Cosmo?”
“Telling me it’s not ‘present particles’ but ‘present participles.’”
“Present participles? Hm. Phrase ringing a bell. Bringing to mind memories of grammar school, English class, nuns rapping me on wrist with rulers.”
“Phil, another neighbor informing me that you’re getting the right idea!”
“Neighbor identifying himself?”
“Not giving name, but saying he’s living in retirement, not regretting leaving his job as high school English teacher.”
“Retired teacher saying anything else?”
“Telling me about ‘present participle.’ Defining it as something used with the verb ‘to be’ to indicate an action that is incomplete. Giving examples: ‘I am reading.’ ‘I was reading.’ Further explaining that present participles can also be used as adjectives, as in ‘an interesting story.’”
“Fascinating. But man in house making threats, police surrounding house, all owing to grammatical term?”
“Making no sense to me either, Phil, but – holding on! Man in house signaling he’ll be making statement very soon! Starting to speak now! Everyone preparing to listen! Getting our microphones in place! Standing by, cutting to him now!”
“You there! You TV reporters! I can’t take it anymore! Used to be that someone was hit by a car! Or a president was assassinated! Or the World Series will begin Tuesday! Haven't you people ever heard of the past tense? Or the future tense, even! But all these present participles! I can’t take them any more! They’re driving me crazy – hey! Did you hear what I just said? ‘Driving!’ You’ve got me doing it, too! I can’t take it anymore!”
“Phil, man’s holding small box. Opening it. Mysterious light shining from within it! Pulsing! Humming! Getting louder! Resembling some kind of bomb! Indeed, turning out to BE a bomb! Me, running for cover, trying to remember words to Lord’s Prayer, wondering whether this report will make the deadline for this year’s Emmys! Throwing things back to you, Phil!”
“Thanking Cosmo Nerp for that incisive report! WORLD ENDING! And after this break, catching up with the latest ‘American Idol’ loser!”
“Not hearing much officially, Phil. Police saying little, playing their cards very close to their vests. Neighbors talking nervously among themselves. Rumors, speculation running rampant. One rumor making rounds: Man in house holding mysterious weapon, muttering something about ‘present particles’ – Wait, hold it, Phil: Next-door neighbor whispering in my ear.”
“Whispering what, Cosmo?”
“Telling me it’s not ‘present particles’ but ‘present participles.’”
“Present participles? Hm. Phrase ringing a bell. Bringing to mind memories of grammar school, English class, nuns rapping me on wrist with rulers.”
“Phil, another neighbor informing me that you’re getting the right idea!”
“Neighbor identifying himself?”
“Not giving name, but saying he’s living in retirement, not regretting leaving his job as high school English teacher.”
“Retired teacher saying anything else?”
“Telling me about ‘present participle.’ Defining it as something used with the verb ‘to be’ to indicate an action that is incomplete. Giving examples: ‘I am reading.’ ‘I was reading.’ Further explaining that present participles can also be used as adjectives, as in ‘an interesting story.’”
“Fascinating. But man in house making threats, police surrounding house, all owing to grammatical term?”
“Making no sense to me either, Phil, but – holding on! Man in house signaling he’ll be making statement very soon! Starting to speak now! Everyone preparing to listen! Getting our microphones in place! Standing by, cutting to him now!”
“You there! You TV reporters! I can’t take it anymore! Used to be that someone was hit by a car! Or a president was assassinated! Or the World Series will begin Tuesday! Haven't you people ever heard of the past tense? Or the future tense, even! But all these present participles! I can’t take them any more! They’re driving me crazy – hey! Did you hear what I just said? ‘Driving!’ You’ve got me doing it, too! I can’t take it anymore!”
“Phil, man’s holding small box. Opening it. Mysterious light shining from within it! Pulsing! Humming! Getting louder! Resembling some kind of bomb! Indeed, turning out to BE a bomb! Me, running for cover, trying to remember words to Lord’s Prayer, wondering whether this report will make the deadline for this year’s Emmys! Throwing things back to you, Phil!”
“Thanking Cosmo Nerp for that incisive report! WORLD ENDING! And after this break, catching up with the latest ‘American Idol’ loser!”
Saturday, August 2, 2008
A headline I always wanted to write
Just suppose.
Suppose that a man who once served as President George H.W. Bush's chief of staff moved next door to one of the co-stars of "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid."
And suppose that one day, the former chief of staff bought a pet: a long, dark antelope with a long head, a beard and mane, and a sloping back.
And suppose that this pet turned out to be rather noisy.
And suppose that the pet's noise irritated the movie star next door.
And suppose that the movie star filed a lawsuit against the former chief of staff, claiming not only that the pet was a problem, but that the former chief of staff was aware that the pet would be a problem when he bought the animal.
Then the headline could be:
NEWMAN: SUNUNU KNEW NEW GNU WAS NUISANCE.
Suppose that a man who once served as President George H.W. Bush's chief of staff moved next door to one of the co-stars of "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid."
And suppose that one day, the former chief of staff bought a pet: a long, dark antelope with a long head, a beard and mane, and a sloping back.
And suppose that this pet turned out to be rather noisy.
And suppose that the pet's noise irritated the movie star next door.
And suppose that the movie star filed a lawsuit against the former chief of staff, claiming not only that the pet was a problem, but that the former chief of staff was aware that the pet would be a problem when he bought the animal.
Then the headline could be:
NEWMAN: SUNUNU KNEW NEW GNU WAS NUISANCE.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Oh, I'm so relieved
The Associated Press reports that Ed McMahon has a new gig, doing commercials for Jimmy Kimmel's show.
"I'm optimistic," said the former "Tonight Show" announcer, who last month announced he was fighting foreclosure after falling $644,000 behind on mortgage payments on his Beverly Hills residence.
"I'm optimistic," said the former "Tonight Show" announcer, who last month announced he was fighting foreclosure after falling $644,000 behind on mortgage payments on his Beverly Hills residence.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
39 years ago today
4:17 p.m. EDT: Apollo 11 lands on the moon.
4:18 p.m. EDT: Abner Guernsey of King of Prussia, Pa., becomes the first human being to utter a sentence beginning: "Yeh, they can put a man on the moon, but....."
4:18 p.m. EDT: Abner Guernsey of King of Prussia, Pa., becomes the first human being to utter a sentence beginning: "Yeh, they can put a man on the moon, but....."
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Bring in the blackboard! Cue the fingernails!
As a career copy editor, I've had to know a lot about the niceties of language, including the difference between insure and ensure, imply and infer, lie and lay and other pairs of words.
In everyday speech, some non-editors often get these words confused. I think this drives some copy editors crazy. Some grammar sticklers even correct those who misspeak.
Not me.
Although such distinctions are important and need to be observed, there's no reason to go ballistic if someone, in speech, confuses imply and infer, for example. My mother got these words confused all her life. But she wasn't a writer, and she also played a key role in the successful raising and feeding of six children. And she had more common sense than a lot of folks who have doctorates.
In addition, correcting someone's speech could have its risks, depending on the situation, as I mentioned in this previous post (which for some reason has received a lot of hits, according to Site Meter).
But if you really want to get my goat (and you're welcome to the smelly creature), there's one area, involving not easily confused words but grammar, that can get to me (and my goat; he may be smelly but he does have some sense of literacy).
A local car dealership has an ad that includes the following jingle, which I've changed slightly to remove the name of the dealership (why give those folks a free ad?):
IT WOULD BE A PITY
IF YOU DON'T SHOP AT AUTO CITY
"NO NO NO," I want to say in full-blown Daffy Duck mode, "IT'S 'IT WILL BE A PITY.' OR CHANGE 'DON'T' TO 'DIDN'T'!"
Whew.
I feel better now. Thanks.
In everyday speech, some non-editors often get these words confused. I think this drives some copy editors crazy. Some grammar sticklers even correct those who misspeak.
Not me.
Although such distinctions are important and need to be observed, there's no reason to go ballistic if someone, in speech, confuses imply and infer, for example. My mother got these words confused all her life. But she wasn't a writer, and she also played a key role in the successful raising and feeding of six children. And she had more common sense than a lot of folks who have doctorates.
In addition, correcting someone's speech could have its risks, depending on the situation, as I mentioned in this previous post (which for some reason has received a lot of hits, according to Site Meter).
But if you really want to get my goat (and you're welcome to the smelly creature), there's one area, involving not easily confused words but grammar, that can get to me (and my goat; he may be smelly but he does have some sense of literacy).
A local car dealership has an ad that includes the following jingle, which I've changed slightly to remove the name of the dealership (why give those folks a free ad?):
IT WOULD BE A PITY
IF YOU DON'T SHOP AT AUTO CITY
"NO NO NO," I want to say in full-blown Daffy Duck mode, "IT'S 'IT WILL BE A PITY.' OR CHANGE 'DON'T' TO 'DIDN'T'!"
Whew.
I feel better now. Thanks.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Are you listening, Sierra Club?
I think I have uncovered another endangered species:
The American Game Show Announcer.
This species isn't exactly extinct yet: "The Price Is Right" has Rich Fields, Charlie O'Donnell remains the voice behind "Wheel of Fortune" and the aforementioned Mr. Gilbert (whom I first saw on "Yours for a Song," starring none other than Bert Parks) is still telling us that "This is 'Jeopardy!'"
But "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" has no announcer, and, more recently, neither does "Million Dollar Password." Meredith Vieira and Regis Philbin are such known quantities that they apparently, and literally, need no introduction.
I suppose this is a way of saving money; I also suppose not that many game shows these days end with those long lists of product plugs, which were the announcer's bread and butter (or Rice-a-Roni and butter).
Here's hoping that Rich, Charlie and Johnny hang on for a while.
The American Game Show Announcer.
This species isn't exactly extinct yet: "The Price Is Right" has Rich Fields, Charlie O'Donnell remains the voice behind "Wheel of Fortune" and the aforementioned Mr. Gilbert (whom I first saw on "Yours for a Song," starring none other than Bert Parks) is still telling us that "This is 'Jeopardy!'"
But "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" has no announcer, and, more recently, neither does "Million Dollar Password." Meredith Vieira and Regis Philbin are such known quantities that they apparently, and literally, need no introduction.
I suppose this is a way of saving money; I also suppose not that many game shows these days end with those long lists of product plugs, which were the announcer's bread and butter (or Rice-a-Roni and butter).
Here's hoping that Rich, Charlie and Johnny hang on for a while.
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