I'm definitely not seeking a rematch

A few Fridays ago I was punched in the face.

Did I see it coming? No.

You probably wouldn’t have either. Remember how, on the day he was shot, Ronald Reagan said to his wife, “Honey, I forgot to duck”? I think I know exactly what he meant.

At least it wasn’t a knockout. It probably wasn’t a TKO either, but you’ll have to take my word for it because there was no referee.

There were no other witnesses either — no spectators, no peanut or hot dog vendors, no roar of the crowd to offer consolations or add insults to my injury.

But although I was stunned I wasn’t knocked down.

The assailant was not a professional, unless you consider a city recycling bin to be a professional.

That’s right, fans: I was attacked in my own front yard while dealing with a blue behemoth that resides on my front lawn at the insistence of the city, which also owns the big monster.

But the behemoth cannot take full credit for my embarrassment. The wind that day, if it could talk, would surely insist that it deserves at least half the laurels.

I had approached the bin because I had noticed that the wind had blown it open, and I needed to close the lid so any incoming rain wouldn’t get inside it.

But I made a fatal mistake: As I was closing the lid I stood behind the bin. And as I was pushing the lid shut, a sudden gust blew it right back at me. And at precisely the same time, the same gust also blew open the lid of the black trash bin, which is next to the blue bin, and the trash container, in apparent solidarity with the recyclables bin, smacked me in the puss too.

The front of my mouth went numb, and after I rushed into the house and looked in a mirror I saw a lot of blood. I wondered if any teeth had been loosened, but I was too numb to know, so I just rinsed out my mouth while wondering whether my dentist’s office — or any dentist’s office — would have an opening at 3 p.m. on a Friday.

I eventually figured out that the blood came from my lips, which seemed to have taken the brunt of the blow, and which now hurt like hell and continued to do so for the next few days, while my upper lip was so thick that I wondered whether, as a side hustle, I could start doing impressions of Charles Laughton.

I’m all healed now, thanks to the ministrations of time and ChapStick. I suppose that the next time I have to close one of those lids on an especially windy day, I could hire somebody like Burgess Meredith in the “Rocky” movies, who could coach me from the sidelines, sponge and water bucket at the ready, along with — if necessary — a towel to throw in.

But I think I’ll be OK as long as I remember to stand at the side of the bin as I’m closing the lid. And if this strategy proves useless, I’m still pretty sure that I can count to ten without help.

When your kid just won't give it a rest

It’s a scene that I haven’t witnessed lately, but I’m sure it still takes place across the country and even, I daresay, around the world.

A mother is out shopping with her kid. The kid is usually a boy, and the time is usually the afternoon.

It hasn’t been an easy day for the mother (as if mothers ever have easy days), and the kid isn’t making things better. He isn’t doing what she’s asking him to do. Or they’re in a mall, and he wants to go to a certain store, but she doesn’t. Most likely she has to go home to make dinner. Quite possibly she’s still trying to figure out what the family is going to have for dinner. (My own mother was famous for saying “I wish someone would invent some new kind of meat!”)

Finally, when the kid’s tantrum has raged to the point where her blood pressure exceeds the national debt, she looks at him and says the fatal words: “When we get home, you’re taking a nap!”

She’s pouring gasoline on a fire, and she knows it, but how much more can the poor woman stand? The kid is yelling even more, the crowd around them is getting bigger, and if they were in Sicily, Mount Etna would be taking notes. Finally she drags him away.

Part of me wishes I could have taken the kid aside and tried to reason with him. But another part of me knows this would, at best, have done no good.

“Look, kid,” I always want to lean down and say, “she’s doing you a favor. Someday, when you’re an old fart my age and have work to do and bills to pay, you’ll wish you could take a nap. You’d sell your soul for even ten or fifteen minutes of extra slumber. And of course you’ll be on intimate terms with the snooze button.”

But I know that if I were to lean down and say this to the kid, I would have to duck.

And I always think of one time when my mother tried to get me to take a nap.

We were home. I’m sure I wasn’t behaving badly, little angel that I’m sure I was. But mothers can tell when you need a nap — it’s part of their DNA — so she tried to cajole me into bed. I must have resisted at first, because I remember her telling me that when I got up, “we’ll go to the T&H Market!”

That did the trick. Wow — a trip to the T&H Market!

Never mind that I had never heard of the T&H Market. It sounded like a marvelous place, and as I drifted into the arms of Morpheus I could just picture this fancy emporium, loaded with God knows how many wondrous goodies.

After I fulfilled my part of the bargain, my mother began to escort me to this Shangri-La.

But as our journey progressed, I began to realize I had been rooked. This land of plenty was really the corner store! The corner store my family had been going to for years! The corner store that I, now a stripling of 70, still go to when I really need something!

The store is at the corner of Teall and Herbst avenues. T&H — get it? Well, I sure did. (T&H Market, my ass — there was no sign saying that!)

I must have felt the way Ralphie, the kid in Jean Shepherd’s “Christmas Story,” felt when he found out that the messages that his Little Orphan Annie decoder ring spelled out were merely ads for Ovaltine.

And I can imagine Ralphie’s mom watching my mom and me approach the store, then nodding and whispering “Well played, Mom!”

Remembrance of Child Stars Past

A few months ago I marked a personal milestone (or maybe it’s more of a millstone):

I turned 70.

But I didn’t need a calendar to tell me this — a TV commercial did the job nicely.

In this ad, an older couple receives a phone call from their grandson, who tells them how well he did in a ballgame.

But this is no ordinary call. Because they have hearing problems, Grandma and Grandpa have a phone with a screen that shows the kid’s words as he speaks them. (I once participated in a call like this; it worked fine even if it did seem weird.)

As I watched this commercial for the umpteenth time (it’s especially hard to miss if, like me, you spend too much time watching channels that show programs you watched as a kid), something suddenly occurred to me:

The grandma — that’s Cissy!

For those of you who weren’t around in the sixties, or were around but had better things to do than watch sitcoms, Cissy was a character in “Family Affair,” a show about a bachelor, played by Brian Keith, who adopts three children after their father (the bachelor’s brother) and mother are killed in a car crash.

Cissy, a teenager played by Kathy Garver, was the oldest of the children.

In addition to reminding me of the remorseless express train that is on schedule to hurtle me toward the outer reaches of old age, seeing Cissy reminded me of other child actors from that era.

Angela Cartwright, from “Make Room for Daddy” and “The Sound of Music,” is still around and looks well. And there’s Billy (now Bill) Mumy, famous for “Lost in Space” and, most notoriously, the “Twilight Zone” episode in which he plays a kid who can instantly dispose of anyone who offends him. (I’m going to end this paragraph right here lest Mr. Mumy see it, disapprove of it and wish me “into the cornfield.” If you’ve seen this episode, you know what I mean. If you haven’t, let’s just say you’ve been warned.)

And then there’s Hayley Mills.

Hayley was probably my first big crush, after my parents took us kids to see the original version of “The Parent Trap” (which also featured Brian Keith. Hmm.).

In the film Hayley and her identical twin (provided by means of what we used to call “trick photography”) sang a song with the lyrics “Let’s get together — yeah yeah yeah.” The ever savvy Disney folks released this as a 45-rpm record that must have driven my parents nuts, considering the countless times I played it. Luckily our record player was not an RCA; if it had been, Nipper the dog would have jumped off the machine and mauled me.

And now I see that Hayley is one of the celebrities booked for Turner Classic Movies’ annual cruise.

It’s tempting, and if she really wanted me to go I might consider it, but any sea legs I have are probably wobbly at best. And I’ve always remembered how Samuel Johnson said being on a ship was like being in jail with the added thrill of possibly drowning,

Sorry, Hayley — I’m afraid I can’t get together with you on the cruise, but if you’d be willing to meet me on dry land I’d be happy to spring for the scones.

Yeah yeah yeah.

Lights, Camera, Incompetence

I’m hanging out in my college’s rinky-dink TV studio when my TV teacher, John, begins talking about a play he saw the night before.

As he talks he holds the top of his head in his hands and shakes it — not a good sign.

The studio is a new addition to the college, and the novelty hasn’t worn off; a number of professors want to use it. One of them is a philosophy professor. She wants to videotape a play that was written by a French philosopher who visited the college some years ago, before I came there. She has staged the play in the college’s theater, where it was performed last night.

Oh it’s terrible, John says between head shakes. She doesn’t know how to stage things, and the blocking is so bad that the actors, who aren’t really actors, keep walking in front of each other. But, John says, we’ll try to make it work when the actors come to the studio later in the week. He’s going to direct the cameras from the control room, playing things by ear. He’s also a licensed pilot, and I once heard him talk about a bumpy flight he once made, so I know he knows how to roll with the tailwinds; he might, or might not, be able to prevent a crash landing.

When it comes time to tape the show, I am sitting next to John, who has appointed me as the assistant director and handed me a copy of the script. He wants me to follow the script and let him know when a character is about to have a long speech, which will give him some time to think a few shots ahead, kind of like a chess player. Sounds like a plan.

How well does this plan work?

Me: “Bernice has a long speech coming up!”

John: “Great! When’s it start?”

Me: “Oops, it just ended.”

John sometimes reminds me a little of Jack Nicholson, especially when he gives me the kind of look he’s giving me now. Fortunately for me, our studio’s equipment does not include an ax.

After the first act, John makes a command decision: instead of assistant director, I will be the technical director — at best a lateral promotion.

The technical director is the person who operates a board called a switcher. In a professional studio, this console includes lots of buttons in addition to other controls. When a director wants to “switch” shots, it’s the technical director who pushes the buttons. The technical director also does the fades and dissolves.

Luckily I have only four main buttons to worry about, along with two sliding mechanisms that produce the fades and dissolves.

When we mercifully get to the end of the show, John wants me to fade to black as the camera operator zooms over the shoulders of the lead couple as they complete their clinch. At the appointed time, the camera zooms, I slide the slider and that’s a wrap. Emmys for everybody!

Some months later, the philosophy professor wants John to shoot yet another play by this philosopher. He asks if I want to help. Unfortunately I’m not in his class anymore, and I’d have to show up every night, so I reluctantly decline.

The show is shot without me. Soon afterward John shows me part of it. It starts with a shot of a maid straightening up a room. It takes her forever to do this because the background music goes on forever. Turns out that this French guy was a philosopher, a playwright and a composer. Was there no end to his talents? Well, yes.

As the scene drones on, John gives me a piece of advice I will remember for the rest of my life:

“Never begin a show with a dirge!”

My (brief) life as an auteur

I am sitting in the control room at my college’s TV studio.

I am in the director’s chair, and I am suddenly in charge.

I say “suddenly” because my teacher, John, and his boss, Mr. Hogan, the head of the communications department, have left for a meeting, leaving me with the members of Mr. Hogan’s speech class, who are now in the studio.

I had taken the speech class a few semesters ago, and I had been eager to take the silver-tongued Mr. Hogan’s class in announcing this semester, but he canceled it at the last minute, saying he didn’t have time. I’d also taken the college’s basic TV production class, so because Mr. Hogan’s cancellation left me with a hole in my schedule, John talked the powers that be into letting me enroll in a one-person tutorial, Advanced Studio Operations. My duties mainly consist of helping John teach the basic TV class and — more important to him — directing stuff he doesn’t have time for, what with running the AV department and supervising work-study students.

So yes, I am now literally in a class by myself.

Our small studio is a little more than a year old. Through the control room window I can see, among other things, our two cameras, two black-and-white televisions and, at the other end of the room, our newest gizmo: a huge Muntz TV that includes a big screen and other equipment, all in a wooden cabinet. It is the type of fancy-schmancy TV that for some years will be popular in bars until technology takes a quantum leap and a half and consigns it to the video dustbin.

Although our studio might be most kindly described as rinky-dink, it’s popular with some of the professors. An education professor’s students give practice lessons while the other students pretend to be pupils. On another occasion, a Spanish class stages a show with sock puppets. I direct most of this stuff, even though I don’t understand a word of Spanish or know what to do when the head of one of the puppets falls to the floor while we’re taping.

Today Mr. Hogan’s class is giving “speeches of demonstration.” Having taken the class, I know the drill: The students are going to show how to do various things, complete with props.

Although we have two cameras, we have only one camera operator. This is no big deal; we merely keep one of the cameras locked down in position with a wide shot of the student giving the demonstration.

The other camera, which will take close-ups, is operated by a charming work-study student named Patrice.

The first student demonstrates how to wrap a package. It goes perfectly. (Thanks, Patrice.)

As I’m getting ready for the next segment, I look out and see the next student — and his prop.

Uh oh.

Sure enough, after we start taping, he says “I’m going to show you how to kick a football!”

I think of the two black-and-white sets — and the Muntz TV, which alone might be worth at least $2,500 in 1974 dollars.

I look at Patrice.

Her eyes are like saucers.

The guy kicks the football. Another guy, off camera, is supposed to catch it.

Much to my relief — and Patrice’s — he does.

I don’t remember the other “speeches of demonstration.”

But even now, many years later, I’m sure I myself could give a great demonstration of how to lie on a couch with a cold compress on my head — if somebody else wants to set up the cameras.

Eggs, sausage and a slice of nostalgia

Lately I’ve been breakfasting with Broderick Crawford.

Until a few weeks ago I dined with Raymond Burr, but since FeTV removed “Perry Mason” from its morning schedule, I’ve been watching Brod in “Highway Patrol,” a series I remember from my childhood, when I was too young to understand it.

But now I enjoy riding along with Brod as he plays the stalwart Dan Mathews.

“Highway Patrol” was one of a number of low-budget shows produced by a company called “ZIV.” As a kid I thought the letters in “ZIV” might stand for something, like maybe “Zestfully Inexpensive Video.” Or that it was some kind of odd roman numeral.

Wrong on both counts: “ZIV” was actually Fred Ziv, who owned the company.

Aside from “Highway Patrol,” Ziv was responsible for “Bat Masterson,” “Tombstone Territory,” “Lockup” and, perhaps most famously, “Sea Hunt,” in which the bad guys seemed to cut off Lloyd Bridges’ air tank so often that the budget for duct tape alone must have given Mr. Ziv the bends.

“Highway Patrol” had all the telltale signs of a Ziv program, including lots of location shootings (with the exception of Dan’s closet-size-and-a-half office) and the same music cues week after week. (“Hey, they’re playing the ‘Going to commercial’ music! I’m gonna make a sandwich!”)

To me the locations are a large part of the program’s charm. If Dan Mathews parks in front of a diner, a church or a supermarket, you can be damn sure it really is a diner, a church or a supermarket. I keep wondering whether those buildings, or even the roads, still exist. And while you might argue that “1950s ambience” is an oxymoron, I enjoy those settings. They’re a lot more interesting than the same old sites you see in the series from Universal. (“Hey, didn’t that guy just come out of Beaver Cleaver’s house?”)

Although the budgets for the Ziv shows seemed to make Roger Corman look like Cecil B. DeMille, Mr. Ziv apparently didn’t want to cut corners (or at least too many corners) when it came to the quality of the scripts. Although none of them were likely Emmy winners, they were decent and sometimes surprisingly different.

In one “Highway Patrol” episode, Dan is convinced that an ex-con has absconded with a lot of loot. The guy’s pastor disagrees, and he turns out to be right. In another, a “human bomb” who is driving a car while keeping his hand on a trigger attached to the steering wheel picks up a young hitchhiker. He asks the kid if he likes science, and after deciding to let him go calls after him to “Study hard!” Both scripts were attributed to “Robert Wesley,” a pseudonym for an ex-cop who would do really well for himself in the years to come: Gene Roddenberry.

And then there’s Brod. Because of Dan, he has often been the butt of bad impressions. True, Brod had his demons, chiefly booze; I’ve read that the “Patrol” folks liked to get most of his stuff “in the can” in the morning because after that he might well be indulging in his favorite pastime. But the guy did win an Oscar for playing Willie Stark in “All the King’s Men.” And he did create the role of Lennie in “Of Mice and Men” on Broadway.

And I have it on good authority that he was a gent. Years ago he played the coach in a summer production of “That Championship Season” up the street from me. (No, I didn’t see it. Yes, I’m still kicking myself.) My sister Mary Murphy was an apprentice there, and someone introduced her to Brod because Brod had an aunt in Syracuse named Mabel Murphy. Turns out we’re not related to Brod, but he was polite to my sister.

So I guess there’s nothing left to say except maybe: TEN-FOUR!

(C’mon, you knew that was coming….)

And Now, a Special Guest

My sister Mary always wanted to be an actor.

She studied drama in college.

She also served as an apprentice for a couple of years at the local summer stock theater, which featured appearances by visiting celebrities. She did similar work one summer in the Pocono Mountains.

At one point she moved to New York City in hopes of finding stage work.

In the meantime she worked in the public-information department at Columbia University.

She didn’t find any stage work, but after she moved to Albany she used her theatrical skills to become a professional storyteller, telling folk tales in schools and, in recent years, telling stories about things that have happened to her.

Some months ago, the PBS World Channel program “Stories from the Stage” invited her to come on the show and tell one of her stories, which concerns something that happened while she was working at Columbia.

Her episode was telecast last month. If you’re interested (and I hope you are), here’s a link to it. Mary is the first of three storytellers.

I think the program came out well. If you agree (and I hope you will), here’s a link to other stories she has written. (I especially recommend “Summer Stock,” which is about, well, I already told you, didn’t I?)