Dear Valued Customer....

You recently received a survey from Bank of Omnipia because:

• You visited a Bank of Omnipia banking center (formerly known as a bank — ah, those quaint old days!).

• You visited a Bank of Omnipia banking center and used the Bank of Omnipia ATM.

• You didn’t use the Bank of Omnipia ATM because there were already 14 people stuck in that little hellhole of a room, waiting to use the only available Bank of Omnipia ATM within 500 square miles, so you instead walked a couple of blocks to the M&U&L&C&T Bank’s ATM, which was inexplicably free. (Of course, we mean “free” in the sense of “not being used,” not “free” in the sense of “not costing anything to use” — you didn’t really think we meant that, did you, you big silly?)

• You completed a transaction with the help of one of our few remaining tellers. (Yes, it’s amazing they’re still around, isn’t it, but once we finally get that pesky Endangered Financial Minions Act scuttled, it’ll be merely a matter of radioing that friendly guard who always stands outside the building and wishes you a pleasant day, and he'll finally be able to show what he can do with that Sig Sauer he’s always been itching to use.)

• You had a consultation with one of our two remaining Banking Counselors after sitting on a bench for 30 minutes and wondering why we don’t get rid of all four of those unused desks and use the vacated space as a dance club. (Not a bad idea, actually, and we thank you for suggesting it, although you do, of course, realize that by opening this email you automatically gave up any rights to any profits realized from this or any other suggestion.)

• You walked past a Bank of Omnipia banking center.

We have received your completed survey, and we thank you for your time and input.

And now, to help us further enhance your banking experience, we ask that you complete the following survey about your survey experience.

Please rank each of the following statements on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “Begone from my life, you scum-sucking usurers!” and 10 being “MM-MMM! What a delicious bowl of buffalo excrement that was! May I have another?”

a. I was delighted to receive your survey.

b. I was so delighted to receive your survey and so eager to complete it that I immediately closed the porn site I was looking at.

c. I deleted the survey and refocused my attention on the porn site I was looking at.

d. Ten seconds later, I received the survey again, along with a snotty note from you referring to my apparent “predilection” for oxen, orange marmalade and Moms Mabley, though not necessarily in that order.

e. I threatened to report you to the Federal Reserve Board.

f. You threatened to send screenshots from the porn site to my employer.

g. I completed the damn survey.

h. You thanked me for completing the survey and informed me that the "whoosh" I had just heard was the sound of those screenshots zooming through the internet to my employer’s HR department.

i. I said, “Hey, that isn’t fair! I did what you asked! I completed the thing!”

j. You emitted a chillingly diabolical laugh, which you then permanently installed on my hard drive so that I would always hear it when I boot up my computer. You then said, “You actually expected us to be fair? We’re a bank! We don’t have to be fair! My, you’re even a bigger silly than we thought!”

We again thank you for your time and input.

And we also hope you will consider establishing a brokerage account with our affiliate firm, Commodities R Us, Except When They’re Not. We can easily set up an appointment with our Account Representative. True, the amount of money you have to invest is at best negligible and your credit score is a little lower than the average January temperature in Verkhoyansk, Russia, but our Account Representative just went through the mother of all messy divorces and could really use a good laugh.

And as always, thank you for being a Bank of Omnipia customer.